Time For a Little Honesty

I am writing this down, so I will be able to look back and see the good that has come from what has seemingly been one of the most stressful parenting moments (months) since I became a mom....and because....last night, Jacob and Joey were asking why I was crying at the dinner table....they wanted to know why I was sad....so...here it is guys.....if you are reading this....I Love My Boys!

So, why does that make me cry? Well, Porter has been sick on and off since October. Strep at least 4 times, and Roseola, and yesterday, the day after his first day back at school since Christmas break, he got sick....again.

I knew what it was immediately. I mean, I have done this 4 times already. There was a good month were I was convinced he had mono. We have roller coastered with fevers, and moods, have been given an assortment of prescriptions and shots, and still, it comes back.

One time....I think it was my breaking point, I was at the doctor's office in November for 2 hours in the waiting room with 3 sick kids. They had had enough, were all crying, and all I could do was hold them, somehow, as they were all fighting over who was going to be held, and I just sat there and cried. Thankfully, the nurse called us in, and carried one of them to the office. It was one of my worst moments as I sat there and sobbed, unable to help my kids at all.

So, after Porter started running a fever again yesterday, I knew that a trip to the doctor would mean a referral to go to the ENT, which would mean tonsils out, which would mean....$$$, as our insurance is good for disasters, but, not so much for things that are considered "normal."

What I haven't mentioned is that this summer, we had major car repairs 3 times, which all culminated into one of our cars dying, which means that we now have a car note, which we are okay paying, but, that doesn't leave room for any more disasters, aka: unexpected bills....

And so, I am at an impasse. I was crying at the table because my job is to take care of my kids. I would never with hold something from them that would make them well, but, the idea that that is the only option is not good enough for me, especially given our financial situation.

About a month ago, I met a lady at church who practices Homeopathy. Out of the blue, I met her while I was in the midst of another crisis at home, with my sick Porter. Our conversation at church lead me to get with her today, rather than taking Porter to the doctor for more prescriptions, and I am certain, a referral to the ENT.
We started a round of immune boosting pills and drops, and at one point today, his temperature was 103.8, but, he was fine. We laid on the couch and watched Princess Bride, all the while, he was asking questions, and just enjoying being lazy, but, defiantly, not himself. And, after a while, the fever began to go down, and he hasn't had any fever since about 6:00 pm. I am calling this a victory, at least for today. I know that we still have to figure out what bacteria is causing him to get sick so often, and if this treatment is going to be expensive. All of that really doesn't matter in the long run though. I will do whatever I need to to make sure he gets better.

God has been faithful through all of this! I have truly been living in a state of fear, and over and over again, I keep going back to this verse: God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power. I don't need to be fearful. He didn't create us that way. He created us to have power...we have it through Him. When things are tough, it is so hard to remember that. I was crying at the table. I have had panic attacks. It all makes me wonder how I would survive if something really bad happened. I mean, Porter has just been sick. Big deal right. People get sick all the time. But, this kid, he is mine. I love him. It hurts me so bad to see him not playing, or smiling. But, I don't need to be fearful. I need to trust in Him, He holds the power. I am praying for healing, for good for Porter.
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